Living with BPD and Heartbreak During a Pandemic

The past few months have been an utter nightmare for most humans on this planet, even moreso for Americans, with surging COVID numbers and people dying and becoming sick left and right.

Racial injustice, wildfires, hurricanes, recession, how are we all surviving? No one is doing alright at this point.

Those who are suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder are facing our own special hells right now. As a people that are constantly struggling and panicking to keep our relationships with others close to us, or to keep them at all, being forcibly kept away from others through quarantine has been incredibly difficult. Personally, having an important relationship end in the middle of this pandemic has led to a true fight for survival.

Nothing is more important to a Borderline than relationships with others. Most people do not understand this. BPD is seen as a crazy disorder. We are those that stalk, and self harm for attention, who lie to get what we want. So much of this is not true. Its exhausting to have a disorder that not only no one understands and constantly balks at, but also one that you cannot tell anyone about without risking losing them.

The pain of this disorder means constant mood swings and ups and downs, and yet, during this time of insanity in this country, the ups have been far fewer. This means, of course, more downs. Downs in BPD mean the potential of self-harm and suicide. That is the true reality of it all. Downs in BPD are the depths of despair and the ups are pure bliss. I miss the bliss.

Ending a relationship that I thought would last forever with a person that I loved to the end of the world, has been one of the most painful times of my life. To say this after a childhood of violence, homelessness, and poverty is no small statement. Not only did this relationship end, but it ended with communication being completely cut off. A goodbye and no closure. I can’t think of a more devastating thing for someone with severe abandonment issues. To literally be abandoned during a pandemic.

I don’t know how to survive this. We are at 7 months now of quarantine. We have been forced apart from friends and family and coworkers and strangers all the while full of fear of catching a deadly virus. We are expected to work and take care of children and function and smile. How? We are truly living through trauma. Life will never be the same.

Abandonment, self-harm, suicide, dissociation, and constant mood swings are leading to suffering. Personally, I am clawing my way to the top of a well, all the while knowing that the water is filling and that I could drown at any moment. I have removed the knives from the house. I have started DBT group therapy – something I have avoided for some time. I am forcing myself to exercise and text friends. Drink tea and read. Distract, distract, distract. I have considered going into a psych ward again. The last time was very restful, to be honest. I have texted the suicide hotline and thought about a will. Even in the depths of despair, my brain tries to think logically.

All I do, all day long, is fight. I take my meds, I try to keep going. I want others with BPD to read this and to know that we are struggling, and that is expected. Please keep going. I know it is hard, but I also know that those with BPD have so much to give to the world. We are so full of love that if we can just give ourselves more time, we can use that and harness it for good. Drink your water, kiss your cats or dogs, and maybe write a blog post. I would love to talk to you, my fellow hardcore lovers of life. Keep going, keep going.

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