5 Things I Want to Accomplish Before This Decade Ends (In 4 Days!)

Photo by Cathryn Lavery on Unsplash

I love a good list. And crossing things off of lists. And planning. Ok, am I an old person now?

I always was. That’s the secret.

5 things I want to accomplish in the next 4 days –

  1. Make a running plan to get my 5k back on track for 2020!
  2. Finish my emergency animal training online so i can help animals in disaster zones – lifelong goal
  3. Text all of my friends how much I love them – if they didn’t already get a love card!
  4. Plan out my 2020 goals – vision board and vodka timeeee
  5. Finish my latest erotica and share it on Literotica (I write feminist erotica! It’s pretty kool. Unlike me. I spell kool with a k.)

Those are my goals. Please tell me what yours are. You write them. You post them. You are more likely to follow through and do them!

Love to you and yours in this holiday season and HAPPY NEW YEAR.

P.S. New Year’s is literally the best holiday of all – a time for new beginnings and to leave whatever shit isn’t working for you behind. BYE 2019. I’ll miss you, kinda. But like 2020 is here and she has a motorcycle and purple hair and looks like Megan Rapinoe, so it’s time for you to GO.

LET’S GO 2020, LET’S ROCK IT.

My Twenties are Officially Over. Here’s What I Would Tell My 20 year old Self.

The author getting a lovely vegan bday lunch at Bareburger in BK

Grrl, you are in for a wild fucking ride. First of all, you should probably know a few things. For one, you need to use face moisturizer. It will be life changing. Second, if your friends aren’t rooting for you, they aren’t your friends. And last, you’re as gay as a day at the DMV is long. Oh and you should really stop eating so much fat. Your brain doesn’t appreciate it. 

I love you. Most importantly, little 20 year old, alone in the world, having talked to your father for the last time last year and realizing that you will only see your precious baby brother that you helped raise a few times a year now, I love you. Stay as strong as you are. You are fucking hardcore. You will find people who love you – FOR YOU. The loud, weird, crazy person inside who will come out eventually. She has been there all along, but she has been forced to stay inside. You are gonna be ok grrl.

Breathe more, be as present as possible because years are gonna zoom by. Try new things all the time. Say YES and HELL YES. And know that it will all be ok, even if nothing is going to stay the same.

I don’t have regrets. At all. Not only because of that goddamn cliche that everything I have done before has led me to where i am now (true) but also because I have truly done over the past two years everything that I have had even a tiny inkling of wanting to do. i wanted to go and get brunch with my frand – I did. I wanted to tell a stranger that I liked her shoes (sparkly, rainbow, bomb-ass Converse) and I did. I told the girl I loved that she was the love of my life because it felt right. 

I like to think of myself as rational, logical, skeptical. And all of that is true, to a point. Humans cannot be 100% logical. We have our experiences, those treasure troves of memories that created neural pathways and led us to become who we are. For you, for instance, seeing a woman and a man on the street getting into a verbal fight might cause you to shake your head. For me, my PTSD tells me to get involved, stab that man. I calm it down, I wait and see what happens, I step in or the call the police if necessary. This is because I know what can happen when men are angry. I’ve seen what can happen when women are angry too – also not good. 

My emotions are a part of me. And yours, you. And that’s ok. Let’s work with them. The next time you have an instinct to do something – not stab an angry stranger, jeez – but if you want to ask that woman out, if you want to go back to school, if you want to dance but are hesitant because you are afraid – just do it. Your life is speeding by, it is up to you whether you live it while it’s here. 

It’s December of 2019. I have just turned 30. My twenties are over. I am free from so many things. So much expectation, so much concern of not being enough or doing enough. If my therapist is reading this – I know I need to work more on that, Karan! Also, see you on Wednesday. But the older I get, the more I become more of myself, my true self. I am letting myself have and do what I want and as long as it doesn’t infringe upon someone else’s well-being, I’m gonna do it. And you should too. And 20 year old me should too. She will, soon, realize that she has barely been actually living in the sense of doing what she wants and what makes her happy. Soon she will. She’ll look at herself and she’ll see what she wants to be and make a plan to get there, to become her. And now, 30 year old me sits here, on my yoga mat, smiling and sipping my tea and wishing her well. I look back at lil’ me and want her to calm down – but she has work to do to get there, here. She doesn’t even like tea yet. She cray. But not crazy.

Christina, I love you. You are who you are and you will find out who you are soon enough. And you will keep finding out as you grow. You will learn to like change as you grow. You will fall in love so many times and you will have your heart broken so many times. And you will bandage your scrappy self up and brush yourself off and try something else. Try again. Because you do not give up, girl. Just keep going. You’ll be better than ok and you will some day be happy. It make take a real decade, but you’ll get there, here. You have you. That’s all you really need. Trust her. She knows what she’s doing.

 

Expect Less of Yourself

*Not a picture of the writer*
Photo by BRUNO CERVERA on Unsplash

I am sitting here on my couch, trying to relax.

It’s 8pm and I just worked 9 hours. I work from home a few days a week, and this was one of those days. If your work from home style is anything like mine, and it probably is based on anecdotal evidence from so many people I know, you work and work and then it’s 8, 9, 10 hours later and you are like, “Maybe with a little more caffeine, I could power through this one more spreadsheet.”

NO. Do not do it. Work will always be there. It’s true. It feels good to get things done, it really does. But it feels better when your body rests and gets enough sleep. You will be more revitalized for tomorrow. For your family, your loved ones, your love of your life, your hobby.

I am writing this partially to convince myself. You see, I am here on the couch, but I am also eyeing my desk. My multi-screen set-up. I could probably cross another thing off of my list tonight. But, I’m being good. I’m sitting here in an uncomfortable position, “relaxing.” Am I doing it right??

I decided something today as I took a 30 minute “break” where I answered emails on my way to, while waiting at, and on the way back from Starbucks to get my daily peppermint mocha (I’m addicted, pleez send help).

I am no longer going to expect much from myself.

No, this does not mean that I am giving up on me, or that I am giving in to my failure. I am siding with reality. I have never been able to cross everything off of my daily to-do list in one day. Have you? Has anyone? Every day, I sit down, I write it out. I think, I plan, I assume this can be done in one hour, this can be done in two. They can’t. There will be emails that need me, coworkers who need help finding something, a Slack message from a workfriend.

I have decided to admit something to myself: I’m human. Humans suck at estimating – check it. I always think I only need 20 minutes in the morning to get ready. Then I miss my train. I think I’ll read my book on the way to work and back home. I just kind of turn into a lump instead. We all do it. My girlfriend and I together are terrible at getting to parties. We think we can shower, put on makeup, feed the cats and even bake cookies in the like 30 seconds we give ourselves. We are genuinely shocked when we are an hour late. But being late to a party’s cool, so whatever.

I want to give myself a break. I have 4 federally recognized disabilities. Yep, 4. MS makes me so frickin tired, and I don’t want to admit that. I want to work 9 hours and then run a fucking marathon and then come home and clean the house. I am Superwoman. And I am, but Superwoman needs to rest too.

So now, I am going to expect less of myself. I am writing my to-do lists and then cutting them in half. I did it today and it felt great. I still over-budgeted my time. But I am going to work on it. I want to cross off my list. I don’t want to feel bad about not finishing my impossible lump of tasks. I want to be like, “Fuck yeah, grrl! We nailed it!” and then high five myself. High fiving yourself feels great, you should try it. That’s a side note, but an important one.

Expect less of yourself, dear reader. Shower before the party but buy store cookies. Or go disheveled, but still feed the cats first, you monster. As for me, tomorrow I’ll write my list as usual, but this time, I’m going to tear it in half.